This is me, 6 years later

I woke up today.

That’s always a good start right?

Something reminded me I used to have this blog. That I found it cathartic to put into words the constant stream of confusion and tangled thoughts that reside in my brain and share it here, for all the world to see if they manage to stumble across it.

I read my last entry and it made me depressed. I mean it was pretty depressing on its own but mostly it was depressing because my first thought was that, nothing has changed much. My life is still the same.

But really, that’s not entirely true. If I allow myself to block out the negativity that always pushes to the forefront of my brain, I can see the changes. I see them when I look in the mirror too.

I’m 45 now. Seriously, how the fuck did that happen? With silver in my dark brown locks and wrinkles at the corners of my eyes.

Still have 2 kids who I love more than life itself. They are both the reasons and bane of my existence as well as the providers of the silver streaks in my hair.

Type 2 diabetic now, thanks genetics and previously horrendous diet, but it’s controlled and I’ve lost 70 or so pounds in the last year by changing my diet and routines along with everything else I loved

I have a different job, which I love and loathe depending on the day, and it’s only minutes from home so the commute is amazing. It’s also rewarding. Or it has the potential to be if I last long enough to see real change.

I’ve been actively working to reclaim my indigenous roots, culture and language. This is a big one. Been working through some stuff and this will likely be an ongoing thing for however many days I have left. Don’t get me wrong, I have ALWAYS known who I was and where I came from. I grew up on a rez, surrounded by family and going to school with my cousins. But despite living on the rez we were a very white-washed community so I knew only bits and pieces of language and really didn’t understand the cultural significance of who I was. This definitely had more of an impact on me than I knew but I didn’t come to that realization until years later so yeah, this is a big one. I also started going to ceremony. I started wearing the ribbons and being proud of them. I started re-learning all the things I should have known by now.

This is me, 6 years later. Trying to learn to love myself.

This is me, today.

I’m going to be 40 next year. In six months actually.

40.

I hate that number.

Right now, I hate it more than anything.

How did I get so old without accomplishing anything?

When I was young I had dreams and aspirations but as I grew they became unfocused and seemingly unattainable.

I know why. But I’m not ready to talk about that yet.

I can feel it gnawing at me though. Almost daily. And the depression weighs me down so much some days that it’s hard to function.

But I do.

I get up and take care of my kids.

I feed the cats and give them water.

I let the dogs out and tell them what good girls they are.

I get dressed, although I rarely care what I look like, I do it.

I function.

Barely.

This is me today. Feeling the burden of things I cannot let go weighing me down more than yesterday.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

 

I’m Still Here.

It’s been a seriously rough day. It didn’t start out that way, actually yes it did, but it got good for a bit there….before…..

One of the cats peed on my daughter’s backpack. Why? Good fucking question. There are three cats and three litter boxes. They have their pick but apparently none of them were as good as the backpack at the moment. Necessity being the mother of invention dictated the need for a bag for the field trip we were taking in two hours time. It’s a good thing I sew……

The Doctor is in. vworp vworp……that’s my Tardis noise. don’t judge.

The field trip was awesome. The kidlets all loved it and it was honestly the best part of the day. I didn’t realize it at the time of course, but when do we ever?

Just to clarify….my day did not go to shit because someone died or was diagnosed with a horrible disease or war, famine or anything truly horrific. We are talking a basic first world problem here. But it is a problem nonetheless and I don’t know how to deal with it. My soon-to-be 10yo has started lying all the time and nothing I do seems to get the point across that it will not be tolerated. We’ve had conversations, I’ve lost my cool and yelled, I’ve taken everything he holds dear away from him……I don’t know how much more I can bang my head against the wall and not suffer serious repercussions. Tonight it sent me into a slight manic state.

I’ve never actually been diagnosed with any sort of depression but I have it. I can see the patterns when I look back on my life, hell there are patterns on a daily basis if I want to look for them but I’ve never actually been diagnosed. Maybe I’m not ready to be fixed yet. Or maybe I think I can fix myself. Or maybe I don’t want that many labels.

I could feel the want to escape heavy in the antsy way I couldn’t focus on a task. The want to just get in the car and drive everywhere and nowhere with the windows down and the music up. Alone. Possibly to get ice cream. Alone. But seeing as I couldn’t go anywhere with both children in bed I was quite literally stuck.

So I phoned a friend. Rather sent a text. The response has been phenomenal. Laughter truly is the best medicine. And while we have not spoken even remotely about my problem child, it is a conversation. It is a conversation that has sealed a crack in my porcelain and calmed the manic panic. It is exactly what I didn’t know I needed.

Now if my phone would stop dropping the SIM card that would be fan-fucking-tastic.

 

If no one writes the blog, does it still get read?

I can’t even remember the last time I wrote anything. I suppose I could have just looked back but I’m trying this new thing where I don’t live in the past….

I do know I have lived without a computer at home for a very long time and for the most part used to write my posts from my work computer. I quit that job 5 years ago. And then from my phone but that is ridiculously annoying.

We’ve recently inherited a used laptop. I’ve discovered the “t” doesn’ always work. That’s probably going o start bugging me here shortly but it was free so I’m not going to complain……ye .

And we have wifi! So that makes things much easier. No more data by the minute.  I’m finally living in this century! It feels right.

I was trying to decide whether to continue this blog or start another. I really haven’t made up my mind. How would a new one be different? Likely, it wouldn’t be. Would a different name be more relevant? Relevant to what exactly?

See the dilemma?

I think that thinking about this is actually giving me a headache. I’ve never thought myself into a headache before. And the only thing we have in the house is children’s Tylenol. Liquid though, so it’ll work right away. Bonus.

I’m going to go find that…..

 

 

 

 

Look, I made a scarf…..

And then I made another….

Any lumberjacks in the area care to donate their shirts? Mid 30’s hipsters also allowed.

Terribly behind in my posting Tuesday

Here’s some stuff I’ve made and not blogged about…..

Peasant-ly surprised how well this turned out.

I have a new found love of peasant dresses. Even if the elastic is a pain in the ass to put in and hurts my still healing, post carpal tunnel repaired wrist. And why does my machine not like to sew elastic together??? Wtf is up with that? It will bunch on the bottom no matter how much I adjust the tension. ONLY when I join the elastic. Seriously, it’s f’ed up.

Anyways…I had this amazing fabric just lying around for years waiting for the right project. I just couldn’t justify cutting it up when I was so uncertain what to do with it. I’m glad I didn’t because when I decided to make a dress I knew it would be perfect. It was and it turned into this….

I followed this pattern by Scattered Thoughts of a Crafty Mom. It’s a free tutorial and quite easy to follow. The sizing was a bit off for my little one however. I followed the 12-18m size but for my teeny 16mo girl it still fit like a potato sack.

I don’t know about you but the only time I can get some real alone time with the sewing machine is after the kids have gone to bed. Unfortunately that means anything I need to try on them and adjust has to wait until morning and I’m not the most patient person so I get really excited for the kids to wake up after a night of crafting.
Today was no different.

After trying it on her I knew the elastic would need to be shortened and some sort of belt required to lessen the potato-sackedness help give it more shape.

I sewed the belt right to the front of the dress so I wouldn’t be able to lose it there would be more contrast along with the sleeves.

The end result was awesome. And she looks SO FRIGGIN CUTE!

I’m still debating whether putting a strip of contrast around the bottom is a good idea or a fantastic one.

*my OCD got in the way after putting the belt on too low and immediately I had to rip the seams and move it up. Kudos to anyone that noticed the difference between the picture of it on the bed vs on the girl.

I don’t normally start another project immediately following one because I like to revel in the glory of the awesomeness I created but I couldn’t help myself this time. I’ve got the picture in my mind and the fabric ready to go……stay tuned!

Don’t get your knickers in a bunch

I made the girl some undies! ACTUAL UNDERWEAR! I was so intimidated by the prospect of making them I almost didn’t, in spite of buying a bunch of different materials to do so. For some reason I didn’t see them as an easy project but they SO ARE! Well, unless you’re me.

I searched online for a free tutorial as always and came across this little gem of a site which seemed to be perfect. For whatever reason I cannot link directly to the page I printed off, I work off my phone and it keeps wanting to download instead of open. Clearly my phone and I are having a lack of communication. I liked it best because the author wrote about them fitting an 18mo that weighted about 12kg. My daughter is just 15m, 9kg but I figured I could adjust them.

The pattern and tutorial is beyond easy, except I decided I wanted them to look a little different so I took a hard right at easy and travelled on to difficult Wtf was I thinking and why can’t I just leave things be city. So while I started with the basic pattern provided by The Nappy Network and the end result looks similar, I did not follow the tutorial at all and in fact cut up the pattern to suit my wants.

I cut out the pattern and then chopped it up into three sections, front, back and middle crotch areas, as well cut the waist and leg bands and then just laid them out nice for the picture

I used a combination of upcycled t-shirt and new jersey knit 50% off remnant y’all materials.

I started by attaching the back to the crotch section

Then I needed to attach the front to the crotch area which is how we ended up in difficult city and it gets confusing. I had to twist the material in a way that allowed me to sew the seam but not have it inside out. Basically I wanted the seams hidden. I am not even going to ATTEMPT to explain what I did because that would be disastrous.

Ta-Da! Honestly I am not even sure how I was able to get my over tired brain around that scenario but it happened and I was ecstatic. Two hidden seams! Just like the real store bought made in Taiwan or wherever kind!!! Yes I did do a little Yay me! happy dance at this point.

After sewing both sides together (right sides facing) it was time to pin the band for the leg openings and the top and that’s my bed because Thor :The Dark World was on and I so was not missing some Thor-Loki action to sew a pair of gitch.

I put a band of elastic in the waist but forgot to take a picture of that part….my bad just Google it, it’s totally easy. And there you have them!

I blind sewed the leg holes and next time I will not. I am not a fan of how they look. True to my nature I will in all likelihood take the leg bands off and sew them back on with a regular zig zag or some other, maybe this __/\__/\__

I think they turned out well! Maybe a bit big since they fit well over the diaper! so some minor adjustments will be made for the next pair, including changing the style a bit!

Stretching a dollar.

I don’t know about you but every time I go into the fabric store I hit up the remnant bin almost immediately. Seriously, I’ve never gone in there without scoping it out. And I’m always digging everything out to see what possible treasures could be hiding down at the bottom. It’s a great place to get good chunks of white material as that is a staple “colour” and there is never less than 4 white remnants in the bin at any time! unless you’re there after me……

I was pleasantly surprised on my last visit to find the remnant bin was 50% off. You just did a little cha-ching noise in your head didn’t you? It’s okay, I did too. For whatever reason the bin itself wasn’t marked 50% off so when the sales lady told me about it I totally felt like I was getting a secret deal that nobody else was privy to because you know that happens ALL THE TIME. I may have spent more time than normal at the bin that day and when I came upon this pretty blue print marked $1.80 I couldn’t pass it up. I didn’t even care that it was less than half a metre, I liked it! And how do you say no to material for 90 cents?

It was a happy surprise to find it was smocked material because I’ve been wanting to make the girl a dress out of pre-smocked material every time I see the stuff at store, yet I’d pass it by each time. For one reason it’s always adult size which obviously wouldn’t work for a 15mo and the other was the print patterns are not that great. Well some “would do” but nothing ever jumped out at me.

I never actually look at the sizes written on the remnants because measurements mean very little to me. For whatever reason I cannot wrap my head around them feel free to furrow your brow at me now and therefore just “eyeball” things. When I make blankets I use whichever bed in the house that suits my design (crib, single or queen) as measurement. And it’s turning out the same for dresses apparently.

When I unwrapped the remnant I found just a smidge over a quarter metre

Being designed for women’s fashion I had to chop it up in order to make it work for my teeny girly

I folded the elastic smocked top in half over itself and cut along the fold, trimmed off the bottom geometric design to use as straps and then folded the bottom flowing part in half over itself and cut along the fold here as well. This gave me 4 sections to reattach to go with the design in my head.

I started by reattaching the loose smocking and linen together to form the back of the dress. I used this stitch __/\__/\__/\__ and just randomly bunched the linen section as I moved along the smock trying desperately not to stretch it as I went. It turned out well.

I then pinned the sides together and sewed them together using a zigzag stitch on the smocked top sections and switching to a straight stitch for the bottom. My little apprentice was helping at this point.

I forgot to take pictures of the straps! But I folded them each in half and sewed them right sides together, turned them right side out and attached them front and back. I also turned up the bottom and straight stitched around to give it a nice edge

I think it turned out well but this kid is adorable in everything! AND it cost less than a dollar to make! That might be a personal best.

*After she wore it I decided I wanted to redo the straps and either add some elastic to them or just shorten them. I haven’t decided which would be a better a better fix.*

Tank’d

I’ve seen many pins on Pinterest about turning old t-shirts into other things like tanks, quilt squares, onsies but I had never attempted anything like that myself….no time like the present! So I packed up the 15mo and headed off to Value Village in search of some “cool” old tees that would make a fun tank top.

I found a sweet black tee with the Atari sign on it and another that simply said “confusion”. I’m sorry I passed on the homemade picture tee with two dogs on it, their names Maggie and Ivy written on the bottom, because when I went back today it was gone insert sad face. Seriously though, who else would have wanted that??? And why haven’t I met them yet since obviously we are kindred spirits!

Going to VV two days in a row is not unheard of for me but wouldn’t have been necessary at all had I not shown the tees to my DH who then claimed them as his own! Of course.

So there I was, no shirt but the strong desire to turn something ANYTHING into a tank top. I looked at the pitiful pile of shirts I call a wardrobe and nothing was jumping out at me. I almost gave up then remembered the pile of unwanted items I had set aside for donation and jackpot! The Juno shirt! I was pregnant for Halloween two years ago and wore the obligatory Juno costume, nobody on our route seemed to understand…..I prefer to think they’re the ones losing out because of their lack of excellent cinematic viewage. Is viewage a word? Probably not…..just go with it mmmkay?

So anyway…..I started out with a plain baseball shirt

And cut the sleeves off

Okay so I may have forgotten to take a picture before I cut the sleeves off so I faked it……

Then I cut the edge of the sleeves off to use as straps

I saved the rest of the sleeve to turn into edging but I liked the rough cut formed by my scissors and the leftover serged seam.

At this point I was ready to attach the straps but Ralph thought I needed a hand paw

I just used a simple straight stitch to attach the strap but I may rip it out and use a zigzag/straight combo for better strength.

And then I was done!

But of course what project is complete without proper inspection?

It has the Cheese seal of approval 😉